Sunday, October 07, 2007

Advice for Republicans

For the past 6 years, Republicans have been very generous in giving advice to us Democrats. They said we should, for our own good, line up behind the President and support the war in Iraq. They warned us that we were out of the mainstream with respect to social policies. And they told us that our failure to heed their advice would cause us to continue to lose elections.

Surprisingly, from their perspective, Democrats gained the advantage in the elections of 2006. And the Republican Party - the Party of God! - has been hit with a number of scandals relating to sex offenses, bribery and fraud. I believe it is now our responsibility, as Democrats, to offer Republicans sympathetic words of political advice. So here are some things I suggest Republicans do for the good of their party during their time of trial.

  • Keep Larry Craig in the Senate as long as possible. It’s important to demonstrate loyalty and resolve whatever the circumstances. Remind the public that he is a man of God whose worst curse is, “Jiminy!”
  • Look for cases where the government can intervene in private lives for the sake of conservative values, like the Schiavo case. The American public will appreciate your invasion of their privacy for the sake of righteousness.
  • Repeatedly remind the American public that George W. Bush is our “Commander Guy”, and what happens in Iraq happens under his command. Like that stuff at Abu Ghraib.
  • IOKIYAR – “it’s OK if you are a Republican.” When we Democrats are involved in sex scandals or financial scandals, that’s a reflection of our permissive culture and moral relativism. Point out that it’s different when Republicans get caught up in a sex scandal or financial scandal. Then it’s a private lapse, and any attention the media gives it is a partisan attack by Democrats and proof that the media is run by liberals.
  • Why defend steep tax cuts that overwhelmingly benefit the rich? Just declare, like John Jay, “Those who own the country ought to govern it.”
  • What the terrorists want is for our population to be constantly terrified. You’ve been doing that instead. Keep it up. You’ll rob the terrorists of their objective.
  • You know that the worst problems our country faces are homosexuals, Spanish-speakers, liberals, Democrats, stem cell research, and folks who disagree with you about the Iraq War. The voting public needs to be told this, as often as possible.

That’s all I can think of for now. No need to thank me. I’m just returning a favor.


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