Once you know what you’re going to say, ask a friend to listen so you
can practice saying it out loud. Your friend can also give you feedback
on how you’re coming across and if there is anything you need to
modify.
Step 3. Give Your Coworker A Heads-Up
While your coworker didn’t give you any notice before they threw you
under the bus, you’re not going to play that game. Let your coworker
know you would like to talk about something, and you would like to know
when would be a good time to meet. If they want to talk right there and
then, don’t give in; let them know this is private and not something you
can just talk about in the break room.
Step 4. Have The Talk
Before you have the talk, take a few minutes to set your intention.
What are you hoping to achieve by talking to your coworker? Do you want
an apology? Do you simply want to let them know you’re aware of what’s
happening and it needs to stop? Having a clear intention before you go
into a conversation will help you present yourself in the way in which
you intended.
When you talk to your coworker, be clear, direct and concise. Don’t
add in more information than you need to make your point, and focus on
the facts. If they try to interrupt you, let them know you want to
finish your thought, and then they can respond. Your blood may be
boiling inside, but you want to remain calm and reassured.
Step 5. Be Prepared For Anything
In an ideal world, your coworker would apologize profusely and tell
you they’ll never do it again, and they only did it because you’re so
amazing and they feel intimidated. Most likely they’ll get defensive and
try to argue their point or tell you you’re mistaken. If they get
defensive and want to argue, that’s fine, you’re just not going to
engage.
Let your coworker know you’ve said what you want to say, and the next
time it happens, you’re going to take it to your manager. If they try
to gaslight you and make you think it didn’t happen or they didn’t mean
it that way, you can pull out your notes with the time, day and the
specific comment (this is why you keep detailed notes!) and ask them
what they meant to say. Unless they have an amazing memory, they’re not
going to be able to “trick” you into thinking you misunderstood or
misheard the comment.
Use your good communication skills, which means only “I” statements.
Don’t make accusations or threats. Let your coworker know how these
comments impact you and highlight your concerns about this being an
ongoing problem.
Step 6. Practice Empathy
You and your coworker are going to have to continue to work together,
which means you can’t outright hate them or work will become really
miserable. As much as we want the people who hurt us to feel our anger
and resentment, it doesn’t work that way. Your anger only hurts you and
keeps you stuck and bitter, and you don’t want to live like that.
The best way to deal with people you don’t like is to practice
empathy. Empathy is putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and seeing
the world through their eyes. Why do you think this coworker feels the
need to put you down? Maybe they’re really jealous of you because your
manager likes you more, maybe you remind them of someone they hate who
once really hurt them, or maybe they’re miserable at home because
they’re going through a divorce.
It actually doesn’t really matter if you know the truth behind your
coworker’s behavior. What matters is how you see it, and if you can see
the humanity in your coworker, you’ll be able to make peace with the
situation.
When all else fails, come from a place of gratitude. If you're having
a hard time empathizing at the moment, you can always be grateful for
this opportunity to grow and get this experience of learning to
communicate more effectively and to stand up for yourself. Without this
coworker, you wouldn't have had this opportunity.
Step 7. Protect Yourself In The Future
Your coworker has shown you who they are, which means you need to
start to protect yourself moving forward. Be mindful not to leave your
computer open and on when you’re not around, and if your coworkers know
your password or where your password is written down, change it and keep
that information where only you can access it. Choose your words wisely
when you send emails, texts, or slack messages, as well as in-person
conversations.
Don’t be paranoid and avoid your coworkers altogether because it's
important for you to have good relationships with everyone. You just
need to be more aware of what you share with certain people. Don’t share
information with anyone that you don’t completely trust. Trust takes
time, so if you’re at a new job or if there is a new hire, don’t
automatically assume every coworker has the same intentions. Even though
you spend many hours each week with your coworkers, it doesn’t mean
they’re all going to be your friends. These boundaries are important
whether your coworker is trying to make you look bad or not.
A good coworker can make a day at work feel like a day at Disneyland.
Good coworkers lift you up, pitch in when you need help, and are always
there with the best advice. Don’t let one bad coworker turn you off
from building great work relationships because they’re invaluable. At
the end of the day, you can only control your emotions, actions and
responses to your coworkers. By showing up every day as a ‘good
coworker,’ you’re modeling the way you want to be treated, and by
standing up for yourself (through the steps listed above) when you have
to work with that one person who drives you crazy, you’re building your
confidence and standing out as a leader.
